So, I got on that scale and I weigh 208 pounds. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's still not great. And yesterday I gorged on pasta with way too much Parmesan cheese and I'm feeling a little ill. But I'm off to the yarn store to buy wool for a blanket I'm knitting for somebody, so that is going to be a great way to keep my hands busy, so I don't keep reaching for those Doritos.
My BF, MM, is away for the weekend, so I've got the house to myself. Which is a great thing but also not a good thing, because now I have no one to hide my binging from. It's hard. But I'm also going to go grocery shopping today, so if I try to be good when I'm at the store, then I'll have nothing to binge on all weekend long.
Of course I'm going to miss him, but there's a part of me that's glad he's gone, since now I have don't have to be at all secretive. I hate that there's a part of me that i hid from him. I've told him about my food issues and how I have trouble with my eating. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and he loves and me and I should relax and then my eating habits will too. He just doesn't seem to get how all consuming this is and I can't explain it to him either. He loves me, but he doesn't understand this part of me. So, instead, when he's not around, I secretly mow my way through a big bag of chips and hope he doesn't comment when he sees the empty bag in the garbage...
But, today I'm busy as I am tomorrow all day, so Sunday is going to be my only real danger day. I'm thinking I'm going to be doing a lot of knitting that day...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Taking a deep breath...
I've been trying to start this blog for a while. I've been thinking about what I'm going to write, what I'm going to reveal and how I'm going to manage to organize all my angsty concerns about my self-esteem, my body image and my fears for my future. But I figure the only way to do this is to take a deep breath and begin to pour it all out. So here it is...
I'm 29 and I weigh about 215 pounds. Right now I'm a little too scared to step on the scale and find out the exact number. But I know I'm the heaviest I've ever been. And I don't like it and I want to change it and I don't know how or where to start. But I know that my health is in jeopardy, both my mental and physical health. And this past weekend has scared me to no end.
Me and my mom went to visit my sister who lives in New York. My mother, who is 58, is not in great shape. She is what one would call morbidly obese and has been since I was born. Growing up I remember her trying every diet around, from a solid liquid diet, to Weight Watcher and then Jenny Craig. You name it, she tried it. And nothing worked. But this is most likely because she wasn't addressing the actual problem, which is that she is a compulsive overeater. I know, because I am one too. I know that she lies about food, about what she eats and about how she eats. But I'm straying slightly from the point at hand here. The point is that she is unhealthy and is not addressing her problems.
Due to her weight, she has begun to develop health problems. Most notably is the problem with her knees. She says that she has arthritis, which she probably does and that she needs a knee replacement, which is also true. However, the reason for this problem with her knees is most likely due to her weight. She is also horribly out of shape and can't walk a block without huffing and puffing. When we got to the airport, she had to get a wheelchair since she couldn't handle the walk to the gate. She is a 58 year old woman who moves like an 80 year old woman.
My sister, who is pregnant, pulled me aside over the weekend to tell me that there was no way she would be able to leave the baby alone with her once it was born, since my mother could not move fast enough to get to the baby if there was a problem and since she has horrible balance, couldn't hold the baby and sit down in a chair at the same time.
I don't want to end up like my mother. I don't want to be in denial of my problems and issues with food and with my weight. I want to deal with these things so that I can be healthy and lead a healthy and active life.
So, I'm gong to make one small change a day. And the change for the day is that I will step on the scale and face the number that is staring back at me. I will also post this number so I can't run and hide from it.
I want to accept my body and love it, but for me to do that at any weight, I have to deal with my issues with food. If I was eating in a healthy way and being active and I was this weight, then that would be a whole other issue. But that's not the way it is. I binge eat, I hide what I eat and I lie about it. These are not healthy ways to eat. So, I also have to begin to address the why's and how's of my eating. But I think I can only the small step of weighing myself today.
I'm also going to be using this blog like a food journal. All of my transgressions with food I will log here in order to help me own up to them. Maybe putting it all down in black and white will help me. Then I won't be able to hide from the truth anymore...
I'm 29 and I weigh about 215 pounds. Right now I'm a little too scared to step on the scale and find out the exact number. But I know I'm the heaviest I've ever been. And I don't like it and I want to change it and I don't know how or where to start. But I know that my health is in jeopardy, both my mental and physical health. And this past weekend has scared me to no end.
Me and my mom went to visit my sister who lives in New York. My mother, who is 58, is not in great shape. She is what one would call morbidly obese and has been since I was born. Growing up I remember her trying every diet around, from a solid liquid diet, to Weight Watcher and then Jenny Craig. You name it, she tried it. And nothing worked. But this is most likely because she wasn't addressing the actual problem, which is that she is a compulsive overeater. I know, because I am one too. I know that she lies about food, about what she eats and about how she eats. But I'm straying slightly from the point at hand here. The point is that she is unhealthy and is not addressing her problems.
Due to her weight, she has begun to develop health problems. Most notably is the problem with her knees. She says that she has arthritis, which she probably does and that she needs a knee replacement, which is also true. However, the reason for this problem with her knees is most likely due to her weight. She is also horribly out of shape and can't walk a block without huffing and puffing. When we got to the airport, she had to get a wheelchair since she couldn't handle the walk to the gate. She is a 58 year old woman who moves like an 80 year old woman.
My sister, who is pregnant, pulled me aside over the weekend to tell me that there was no way she would be able to leave the baby alone with her once it was born, since my mother could not move fast enough to get to the baby if there was a problem and since she has horrible balance, couldn't hold the baby and sit down in a chair at the same time.
I don't want to end up like my mother. I don't want to be in denial of my problems and issues with food and with my weight. I want to deal with these things so that I can be healthy and lead a healthy and active life.
So, I'm gong to make one small change a day. And the change for the day is that I will step on the scale and face the number that is staring back at me. I will also post this number so I can't run and hide from it.
I want to accept my body and love it, but for me to do that at any weight, I have to deal with my issues with food. If I was eating in a healthy way and being active and I was this weight, then that would be a whole other issue. But that's not the way it is. I binge eat, I hide what I eat and I lie about it. These are not healthy ways to eat. So, I also have to begin to address the why's and how's of my eating. But I think I can only the small step of weighing myself today.
I'm also going to be using this blog like a food journal. All of my transgressions with food I will log here in order to help me own up to them. Maybe putting it all down in black and white will help me. Then I won't be able to hide from the truth anymore...
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